MustardBlog

THE MUSTARD BLOG - June 21, 2005

2005-06-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

THE MUSTARD BLOG

Mustard – Literature - Baseball

Volume 1, Number 4 (June 22, 2005)

MUSTARD STUFF

The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum plods along. Although we have been blessed by great publicity, we continue to struggle financially. So, my dear blog reader, what should we do that we are not doing now?

We do not charge admission. Should that change? Please tell me NO! I hope that every family can view the museum and its exhibits without having to wonder whether it can afford lunch on the way home. We are not organized as a nonprofit 501 (c)( 3) because we never thought about it. We figured we could sell enough mustard to support the curator’s family, pay decent wages to a few people, and have enough left over to keep the dream of a mustard museum alive and well in Mount Horeb? Should we change that?

The truth is this: running a museum, with rent, utilities, exhibit acquisitions, display cases, maintenance, etc., is expensive.

We had hoped the mustard industry would fund the operations of the museum. As you can see by the list of sponsors on our newsletter support has not been exactly broad-based. http://www.mustardmuseum.com/news_events/tpm/2005june.htm (Call your favorite mustard company and tell them to support the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum.)

Should we sell naming rights to “MustardPiece Theater,” where all tours start and through which thousands pass on their way to the museum? Thinking about that… maybe on eBay?

What should we do? Send me you thoughts (at curator@mustardmuseum.com) and I will report back to you in the next blog.

On a happier note, National Mustard Day is around the corner – Saturday, August 6. Why not enter your favorite mustard-based recipe in our Second Annual Mustard Cookoff Contest? Valuable prizes and fame await the winning recipe. Check it out at http://mustardmuseum.com/news_events/day/cookoffrules.htm Hurry, recipes are due by June 30.

THE CURATOR'S TAKE ON THE MJ VERDICT

The Curator of the Mustard Museum breathed a sigh of relief when the jury acquitted Michael Jackson on all counts. As we see it, the prosecution couldn't convince the jury - beyond a reasonable doubt - that MJ committed any criminal acts. The state did a fine job (as did everyone else) of proving beyond a reasonable doubt that MJ is weird. Luckily, being weird is not a crime. That's why the Curator was relieved. If being weird is a crime, one who is obsessed about collecting jars of mustard and mustard memorabilia is sure to be on the FBI's Most Wanted List. 'Nuff said.

LITERATURE STUFF

Introspection

Last night I turned my whole body inside out.
My lungs and my liver exposed to the sun.
My spleen hanging from my middle for all to see.
My heart.
O my aching heart.
Take a look – it’s right there.
You can touch it if you want.

I am so disappointed in my heart.
It is not at all like the cherry red model of symmetry that
Hallmark cards portray it to be
On the fourteenth day of February.
Oh not-so-funny valentine.

My brain is another story.
It looks like…
Like a brain.
A pale brown undulating mass of jello that didn’t set right.
Not the least bit impressive.
I have a sturdy hat for it.
A hunter’s cap with reversible flaps.
Not the way a hat usually works.
What a versatile thing is the hat.
Great for putting on a head.
Great for stuffing the contents of a head into it.

Do I feel more vulnerable?
Surprisingly, no.
My skin, pale and pocked, is now on the inside.
I don’t even think about it.
And so much for spending money at the tanning booth.
No need for the manicure or pedicure either.
But I should pay more attention to keeping my bones all shiny and white.
Or I could paint them.
Baby tush pink would look great at the beach.
Don’t you think?

So glad I never bothered with those expensive hair loss medications.
What a waste of money that would have been.
Bald isn’t beautiful or ugly any more.
It’s hidden and irrelevant.

So tell me:
If beauty is only skin deep,
What now?

BASEBALL STUFF

In many ways, baseball is a lot like mustard. I always say that I would gladly suffer the foulest mustard over the most noble ketchup (yes, that last one is an oxymoron). I also respect everyone who played at the Major League level, no matter how poor his performance might have been.

For example, if any pitcher can claim the most dismal record in history, it might be Elmer Joseph “Doc” Hamann. Doc appeared in one game for the 1922 Indians. He faced seven batters, giving up three hits, three walks, hitting a batter, and uncorking a wild pitch. His lifetime earned run average is infinite, as bad as it can get.

I salute you, Doc Hamann. You gave it a shot.

MUSTARD BLOG - May 17, 2005

2005-05-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

THE MUSTARD BLOG

MUSTARD - LITERATURE - BASEBALL

Volume 1, No. 3

Email me at curator@mustardmuseum.com

MUSTARD STUFF

French mustards are wonderful but they are pricey these days. Why? Because during the Clinton administration the U.S. Trade Representative imposed a 100 tariff on French mustards and several other items in retaliation for France not willing to take our hormone-treated beef. And not just France. Germany, Ireland, and Holland were also targets of the tariff. Only England escaped the wrath of this mean-spirited abuse of the tariff power (the Brits, after their mad cow scare, were thrilled to get their teeth into any kind of beef).

Before you Clinton bashers start jumping in the aisles, check out what the Bush administration has done to the tariff. Nothing. It remains in place.

I have written to the U.S> Trade Representative, have contacted my congressional leaders (Rep. Tammy Baldwin and Sen. Russ Feingold – both mustard lovers) but the tariff remains in place.

Please! Write your congressional leaders and let them know that the mustard tariff must end. Or write to the U.S. Trade Representative. www.ustr.gov/ d

On a happier note, National Mustard Day is around the corner – Saturday, August 6. Why not enter your favorite mustard-based recipe in our Second Annual Mustard Cookoff Contest? Valuable prizes and fame await the winning recipe. Check it out at http://www.mustardmuseum.com/news_events/day/cookoffrules.htm

LITERATURE STUFF

Shore Dinner

I am sitting by the waters of a lake
That once had a name but,
Silly lake that it is,
Cannot even remember its own name – how tragic is that?

I am reading a book of poems,
A book that a long forgotten lover,
Silly lover that she was to have once loved me,
Gave to me in a moment of precious folly – how tender was that?

I am feasting on a crust of bread,
And a piece of old and noble cheese,
Silly cheese that it must be,
To be eaten by a fool who reads poetry by a nameless lake – how absurd is that?

I am watching a slow and deliberate fish,
A fish that I am sure is a perch, yes, a perch,
Silly fish that all the other fish must take it to be,
Lean with bony elbows upon the bank of the river – how friendly is that?

I hear the voice of the plodding perch,
The raspy voice of a lonely fish yearning for something more,
A silly yearning if there ever was a yearning that we dare so call,
And with gaping mouth call unto me – how bizarre is that?

“I beg you, sir, be not afraid of what I ask,
For what I ask is what all perch so desperately desire.”
(A silly desire for perch and humans, too.)
“But I will give you my flesh for one simple gift – how easy is that?”

“Read to me just one good verse,
Of Browning or Wordsworth or even Robert Frost,
Why a silly rhyme of Ogden Nash would do just fine.
It is the bait we cannot resist – how curious is that?

I read to the earnest perch, with attentive gills
And sharp and forthright fins.
How silly those fins must have felt that sun-washed April day.
And it jumps into my arms for the evening meal – how delicious is that?

BASEBALL STUFF

When Barry Bonds walked 232 times last year, he not only set a new big league record for bases on balls, he redefined the meaning of patience. But who was baseball’s most impatient hitter?

I have been reviewing the career stats of all players with at least 1500 career at bats and so far the leading candidate appears to be the immortal Whitey Alperman. Over the course of his four seasons (1906-1909) Whitey was credited with 1632 official at bats; he walked a total of 30 times. His walks to at bats ratio of 0.018 (fewer than 2 walks for every 100 at bats) is astounding. Over the course of his career to date, Barry Bonds has a walks to at bats ratio of 0.253 – meaning Barry has been about 14 times more discerning at the plate than was Mr. Alperman. Of course, opposing pitchers had little reason to fear little Whitey, who blasted a total of 7 homers and hit .237 over the course of his career.

We have a new exhibit at the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum – “Baseball and Mustard” – and it features a different World Series 7th game every week. Our first featured Game Seven was the Braves’ victory over the Yankees in 1957. Starting tomorrow, the exhibit will salute the 1982 Game 7 between the Brewers and the Cardinals (St. Louis won). Over the Memorial Day weekend, we will highlight the only Game Seven appearance by the Chicago Cubs – 1945. Each exhibit will include baseball cards or photos of the starting lineups.

One more commercial pitch: please buy my book, THE SEVENTH GAME, the story of the 35 seventh games of the World Series

Email me at curator@mustardmuseum.com

Mustard Blog - April 21, 2005

2005-04-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

THE MUSTARD BLOG

Mustard – Literature - Baseball

Volume 1, Number 1 (April 21, 2005)

Just what the world needs: a new blog. This one will be different. Or maybe it won’t be different. I will not try to be “different.” I will attempt only to be honest. Perhaps that’s the difference.

WHY MUSTARD?

I am the founder and curator of the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum, home of the world’s largest collection of mustards. I have amassed more than 4,300 mustards. It’s like Uncle Scrooge and his giant ball of string, only edible.

I am blogging about mustard to let the world know of its fine qualities. And because the Mount Horeb Mustard Museum (the business) needs to spend its time and resources on selling mustard and mustard stuff so that we can survive. My rantings and ravings about mustard and other things probably add nothing to the bottom line so I’ll blog these matters. Maybe they do but we haven’t figured out the connection. Or maybe this blog IS the connection.

WHY LITERATURE?

What’s the point of a life without literature? Whether the poems and musings of a mad mustard maven amount to “literature” is another matter. You decide. Besides, this keeps me writing. Maybe some of it will be good.

WHY BASEBALL?

Do you have to ask? Either baseball speaks to you or it doesn’t. And if it does speak to you, it does so in soft, gentle tones that keep you young and make you mad. This blog will be modest in its baseball perspective: each issue will present one fact, one tidbit, one morsel of baseball truth. Please don’t call it trivia.

MUSTARD STUFF

In addition to the more than 4,300 jars of mustard in the collection, I have more than 140 old mustard tins on display. These tins contain (or once contained) dry mustard and you bought them for maybe fifteen cents from your local grocer. Not “supermarket,” but grocer. Now there are only a few brands remaining.

I love these old tins, colorful and curious. They reflect the speckled landscape that was once America, before the giant corporations homogenized every aspect of our lives. I will try to bring you images of these tins in blogs to come.

Commercial plug: http://www.mustardmuseum.com/.

LITERATURE STUFF

The Arsonist

The arsonist knocked upon my door
And asked me, point-blank,
If I would like her to burn down my house.
I said no.

She then asked, “Are you sure?”
I said I was sure.
“Okay, then I’ll go.”
She turned around and walked down the path
That led from my door to the street.

That was odd, I thought,
Because she did not even leave me her card
Or ask if I might know of someone
Who could make could use of her services.
Strange, I thought, because she had seemed
So professional,
So confident,
So all-together in control of her business
When she rang the doorbell.

When she reached the end of the path
She must have sensed that I was
Watching her.
Yes, I was watching her.
Mesmerized by her jammy smile,
Her pouty lips dripping with the remains
Of a cherry slushie.
It was hot and I wish I had one, too.

“Have a nice day, sir!”

A nice day indeed.

BASEBALL STUFF

I may be wrong but I believe that Bob Uecker, the goofy Hall of Fame broadcaster for the Milwaukee Brewers, was the ultimate leadfoot in major league baseball history. He holds the record for most career at bats (731) without either a triple or a stolen base. Others have gone to the plate more times without a triple (e.g Doc Edwards had 906 career at bats without a triple but somehow managed to steal one base) or without a stolen base (e.g. I thought Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder never stole a base over the course of his 5,157 career at-bats but I learned he stole two in 1969 – Cecil, that would have been a record for the ages.)

If I am wrong about Bob Uecker, please let me know.

One more commercial pitch: please buy my book, THE SEVENTH GAME, the story of the 35 seventh games of the World Series.